A year ago tomorrow

I wrote this letter on April 5th 2006, the eve of Rt’s 1st birthday.


8 minutes from now, it will have been one year exactly when the birthing of my son began. It seems just like yesterday, but time ticked quite slowly in parts as well. Either way, it has been the most wonderful, hardest, truest time in my life. I write this to you in tears, thinking of my son sleeping peacefully in his crib. I am not sure where this emotion is coming from, but I am reveling in it. I have doubted myself many a time this past year, but I also know I have grown into someone I will always be proud of.

This time last year the first episode of Sex in the City began on TBS. I know the really good parts were deleted or dubbed, but it kept me sane during the most unsure and overwhelming moments of my life. The contractions started slightly, but were right on schedule. I kept this tidbit of information to myself throughout the first episode. 30 minutes of a wee bit of pain every 3-5 minutes lasting 30-45 seconds. Once the first episode came and went, I let my hubby in on the current happenings. We watched another episode while keeping time and the tightness came and went right on cue. It was time to call the doc and head in…..

I could go on and on in detail regarding the most memorable day of my life, (besides the day I married the man I love), but the real importance to this 1 year birthday of my son, is the journey my new family took to get here. I get emotional just thinking of all the times I was frustrated, angry, confused, sad and lonely wishing I could take them all back, wanting to change them all. I would replace them with times of pure joy and love. I know this is unrealistic, but it saddens me to know I wasted those precious times not knowing who I really was and what I represented. I now know I am on the journey to finding out who I am, what I want, but I do know that I am a mother to the most precious, beautiful boy in the world who loves me just for me being me. And that is enough. I am full.

e


Tomorrow I will write another "eve of your birth" letter to my little one.