Box cake is so last year

Part of mother's day was spent making a cake, FROM SCRATCH. I had been watching The Rachael Ray show, not to be confused with 30 minutes meals or $40 a day, but her actually day time show. Her guest was the one and only Miss Paula Dean. She made a Banana Nut Cake that originated from her current mother-in-law. It looked somewhat feasible and damn tasty. That combination got my wheels a turning, so I made plans right then and there to make one for our Sunday M.D. bbq.

What the hell was I thinking? It was mother's day and I was going to whip out a REAL cake for the FIRST TIME EVER? I have made 4 whole cakes in my life and those started out from a box. (They did turn out just fabulous, but for some reason I thought I would challenge myself.) I had to be careful though. This wasn't the first time I went out on a limb during a big to do. I made my very first brisket for my very first dinner for my future in-laws back in the day. The recipe I had was my grandmother's and called for a beef brisket. The only brisket I found at the Safeway in San Fran was a Corned Beef brisket. Do you know the difference? I clearly didn't. Let's just say Corned Beef is naturally one salty piece of meat.

My mother was planning on coming to our bbq and hubs parents would probably be making an appearance as well. They had just flown back in town from a family wedding in Ohio and arrived at our door just as the meat was being taken off the grill. Luckily, we had planned for a full house.

Dinner went off without a hitch. Half pint went down without much of a fight, the dinner was yuuuuuuuuum and the wine flowed at a nice pace. I did have a fair amount to do with preparing the dinner as well, but it wasn't that hard, so I won't bore you with those details.

It was then time for cake. I think it was the first time I was able to actually cut a piece of anything and it stay intack all the way from the knife to the plate. The first bites came and went and the applause was overwhelming. Actually, there was no applause, but the consensus was: the cake was spectacular!

If I had as much time on my hands as you do Betty Crocker, you would have some stiff competition.

e


p.s. thanks coco on my grammer question...

an end, a beginning

I wasn't sure if I would ever write about this, but I have sat here at the computer the last two days and thought, what else in the hell can I write about? I am consumed by the latest happenings in my world and am looking for a way to come out of this fog. Maybe blogging about it will jump start the process.

Hubs and I found out we were having another baby on Easter morning. It was somewhat of a shock, since we weren't trying that month due to the desire to travel home to OK for Christmas this year. But, we weren't doing anything to prevent it either. A win/win, right? Travel or baby! It seems God blessed us with a child and we were thrilled to say the least.

I had found out rather early, before 4 weeks along, so sharing our news with others was put on hold for a little while. If anyone knows me, they know I am not good at holding in "my" secrets, especially ones this big, but I did manage to keep our news under wraps even from my mother (who was living with us) for two weeks. It was just too new for the both of us to share. Just needed some time to process this life changing event. (I attribute NEAR BEER as a huge helper in the caper.)

Days past, I felt pretty good and looked forward to a smooth pg road ahead. I mean, everything with Rt was a breeze and it's always like that, right? I only wish that were the case. A week ago Sunday, I started spotting. Nothing too scary, but enough to send me into a tailspin for several days before we could get in to see the doc for an ultrasound. To my surprise, everything was ok. We saw a heartbeat and saw no evidence the spotting had anything to do with the health of our baby. I was quite relieved, but still perplexed because I still felt so "off" while everything was supposed to be "ok". I had had lower back pain since before I knew I was pregnant, but after reading plenty of material online, lower back pain can be attributed to the hormone progesterone and ligament stretching. Everything I doubted, there is was a viable reason for it.

The weekend came and the spotting was still there. Come Saturday, it got worse. I talked to the on-call doctor and was reassured it could be anything, good or bad. He said to rest as much as I could and go in for another ultrasound come Monday. My back was still causing much discomfort, but remained on a heating pad and hoped for any of my symptoms to pass. Then, everything would be "ok". Sunday came, some issues remained the same and others got worse. I felt so wishy washy with emotions. I kept flipping my opinions on what was to come. It was all going to be ok. And if it weren't, I found myself trying to make good of a terrible ending.

Monday morning, the doctor called and told me to come in at 1:30p.m. for another scan. Hubs couldn't come with me this time. Someone had to be home while Rt napped. Even though everything around us was all up in the air, we wanted Rt to have a "normal" day and that meant napping when a nap was called for.

It was as if I was playing a part in a movie. Everything that happened that day was so surreal. It still is. And it seems like that day was months ago. The scan revealed the baby had passed. What I thought happened on Sunday, was indeed true. We lost our baby. 7 weeks, 4 days pregnant, and it was taken just as fast as it was given to us.

I have already moved to the anger stage of recovery. Why did this have to happen to us? What was so wrong that my body knew it wasn't the right fit for us? I am grateful for finding out it had already happened and didn't have to wait for something to happen tomorrow or a week from now. I am grateful. At the same time, I am tired. Tired knowing that when the time comes, we will have to start all over again.

I know a couple years from now, when we look at our children, we will say, if it weren't for this miscarriage, we wouldn't have "you". Right now, that is the only thing that gives me comfort.

I pray for peace.

e

Setting an example

For those of you who have not heard, my mother received the job offer I mentioned way back when and has already moved out to Cali to continue her life's journey while being a professional business woman. She is currently residing with us until her lease begins at the beginning of May. Her full title is Director of Development of a Medical Center, Stem Cell Research and Transplant Division. Can you say kick ass? Kick ass!

You see, my mom had always been a SAHM ever since I was a wee little one, but continued her college education with a Masters Degree in Journalism while being at home with me and my older brother. It wasn't until I was in high school that my mom took a full time job at a University to help ends meet for our family after the market crashed in '87. No, my dad wasn't a stock broker, he was in Commercial Real Estate which was just as bad once the market tanked. Even through the hard times, I never heard her complain. I am sure on many levels, she was thrilled to use her talents on more than PTA meetings. Did I mention she was president of the Mother's Club? Let's just say I was voted to be President of the PTA when I was in highschool. Rock on.

After I left for college, my parents split up, my dad moved away and my mom was left to clean up the mess. My mom's job at the university was still gratifying, but did not pay enough for her to continue to live alone and keep the house. So, she looked for better employment which in the end moved her out of state. Over the past 14 years, my mom has lived in several places and has done what it takes to make it happen.

Since my mother has arrived in town, I have been nothing but difficult to be around. I tend to carry other people's issues, hopes, dreams, and worries on my shoulders. It makes me feel very weighted. It was easier balancing my plate while no one in my immediate family lived near me. That way, what problems or concerns I did take on, were far enough away to push aside as needed. Now that my mother is living within 45 minutes of me, and for now, down the hall on the right, I have been consumed with more than I can handle. It is so my doing. I have learned to survive this way, get by this way, be needed this way. But, I have also been conditioned this way to behave. I am not certain of the origin, nor wanting to point fingers. The outcome is what needs the focus.

The day hubs went out of town last week, I was able to move aside one member of my "plate" and have a heart to heart talk with my mother. I explained my annoying behavior and hoped she would understand why I was feeling so "underwater". I was extremely grateful for the honesty that was shared that morning, from both of us.

Bottom line is this: I am the one that needs to let go, and I do feel I will be able to accomplish this and have a wonderful experience raising my child with both sets of grandparents living near by, but in the same breathe, I need to be given the opportunity to change.

If neither one happens, I could lose myself and I just can't afford it.

e

Night and Day

Ok, so my last post was a fluff piece. No, actually, it was just about things that are fluffy, like reality tv. But today, I am on to something much deeper. Talk about range ladies and gentlemen! Aren't you excited? Sizzle Says did get me thinking....

I grew up in a truly loving, supportive family. I felt like we were one of the "it" families. If fact, I thought we rocked. Hell, if your family was still together by the time you hit high school, you were considered a success. Most of my memories are filled with my parents and my brother doing this or that together. So, looking back, I truly have no regrets when it comes to my childhood. Well, there was that one haircut in the 5th grade, but other than that, times were good. However, once I went away to college freshman year, everything changed when I returned.

My parents split up, my father moved away and I was left to care for my mother and brother. They didn't ask for my help, nor were they incapable of taking care of themselves, but to me, the only way of coping was to care for others who "needed me". I spent a good portion of my college days staying distracted. (socializing, partying, playing cards, you name it, I did it with a smile on my face.) There was no way in hell I was able to handle my truckload of problems, so I pushed them down really far, along with the pizza and beer, and looked for others to save.

When you bring alcohol or any other addiction to the table, you are dealing with a different scenario entirely. Someone can be an asshole, just cause they are, but when someone is an asshole due to their alcoholic personality, then you aren't just dealing with the asshole, you are dealing with the disease, the asshole and what got them there in the first place. It is entirely confusing, majorly frustrating and no one can completely fathom what it's like to walk in your shoes unless you have been scarred by the disease as well.

Only recently have I been able to obtain something that resembles peace when it comes to this major downer in my life. Unless, someone recognizes they are an addict, and is willing to get help to recover and face all the crap they laid behind them, then there is no point in wasting your time hoping for a normal day. That sounds ho hum in itself, but it's really not. It shows me there is NADA I can do to fix this, it has to be fixed by someone else, the guilty party. And if they are unable to recognize their addiction, then I truly can LET GO and find another way to fill this void.

And I am ok with that.


e

Meet P n B.

P n B, meet everybody.



my brother's boys....

16 months apart..........

Good God, my sister-in-law IS "Woman of the Year".



e

Where the wind comes sweeping......

I am back from the funeral in Oklahoma. It was a tiring 48 hour trip, but I am so thankful I was able to be there for my grandmother alongside my family.

Will post more tomorrow once I have gotten a decent night of sleep.

e

Our Beloved Jerry

My grandmother, Nonna, has lost her longtime companion Jerry tonight.
Jerry was my one and only living "grandfather" since I was 13 years old.
He was one of a kind. I will miss him dearly.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers.

e

If we all could pick our nose freely.....

We all would be more open with each other.

If we all could trash the kitchen with a smile on our face...



We would all have a better frame of mind.

If we all had our own cubby hole.....



Life would be such a cozy place.

These are my cousin/cousin-in-law's twin boys. They are a hoot and such lookers.

efa

P Poo Picasso

Early morning surprise from nephew P. Seems he found his way into his diaper.
I am not sure he enjoyed what he found while he was there.

Happy Friday!

e