an end, a beginning

I wasn't sure if I would ever write about this, but I have sat here at the computer the last two days and thought, what else in the hell can I write about? I am consumed by the latest happenings in my world and am looking for a way to come out of this fog. Maybe blogging about it will jump start the process.

Hubs and I found out we were having another baby on Easter morning. It was somewhat of a shock, since we weren't trying that month due to the desire to travel home to OK for Christmas this year. But, we weren't doing anything to prevent it either. A win/win, right? Travel or baby! It seems God blessed us with a child and we were thrilled to say the least.

I had found out rather early, before 4 weeks along, so sharing our news with others was put on hold for a little while. If anyone knows me, they know I am not good at holding in "my" secrets, especially ones this big, but I did manage to keep our news under wraps even from my mother (who was living with us) for two weeks. It was just too new for the both of us to share. Just needed some time to process this life changing event. (I attribute NEAR BEER as a huge helper in the caper.)

Days past, I felt pretty good and looked forward to a smooth pg road ahead. I mean, everything with Rt was a breeze and it's always like that, right? I only wish that were the case. A week ago Sunday, I started spotting. Nothing too scary, but enough to send me into a tailspin for several days before we could get in to see the doc for an ultrasound. To my surprise, everything was ok. We saw a heartbeat and saw no evidence the spotting had anything to do with the health of our baby. I was quite relieved, but still perplexed because I still felt so "off" while everything was supposed to be "ok". I had had lower back pain since before I knew I was pregnant, but after reading plenty of material online, lower back pain can be attributed to the hormone progesterone and ligament stretching. Everything I doubted, there is was a viable reason for it.

The weekend came and the spotting was still there. Come Saturday, it got worse. I talked to the on-call doctor and was reassured it could be anything, good or bad. He said to rest as much as I could and go in for another ultrasound come Monday. My back was still causing much discomfort, but remained on a heating pad and hoped for any of my symptoms to pass. Then, everything would be "ok". Sunday came, some issues remained the same and others got worse. I felt so wishy washy with emotions. I kept flipping my opinions on what was to come. It was all going to be ok. And if it weren't, I found myself trying to make good of a terrible ending.

Monday morning, the doctor called and told me to come in at 1:30p.m. for another scan. Hubs couldn't come with me this time. Someone had to be home while Rt napped. Even though everything around us was all up in the air, we wanted Rt to have a "normal" day and that meant napping when a nap was called for.

It was as if I was playing a part in a movie. Everything that happened that day was so surreal. It still is. And it seems like that day was months ago. The scan revealed the baby had passed. What I thought happened on Sunday, was indeed true. We lost our baby. 7 weeks, 4 days pregnant, and it was taken just as fast as it was given to us.

I have already moved to the anger stage of recovery. Why did this have to happen to us? What was so wrong that my body knew it wasn't the right fit for us? I am grateful for finding out it had already happened and didn't have to wait for something to happen tomorrow or a week from now. I am grateful. At the same time, I am tired. Tired knowing that when the time comes, we will have to start all over again.

I know a couple years from now, when we look at our children, we will say, if it weren't for this miscarriage, we wouldn't have "you". Right now, that is the only thing that gives me comfort.

I pray for peace.

e